just tell him i said nine months
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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