i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
