people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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