I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
If I die, sorry about rent.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
