seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
So vagazzling was a success
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
