I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Randomize
