her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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