i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
