I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
