If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
