I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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