i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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