So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
