Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
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I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
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okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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