I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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