Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Randomize
