she woke up with a sticky ear
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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