just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize