Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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