yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
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I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
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If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize