I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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