i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Randomize
