I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
