shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Best friends brother. Beat that.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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