dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
