I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
