The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
