you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
