i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
