Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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