who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
