I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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