i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Randomize
