If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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