i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize