seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
