Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
