Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I believe in your delicious
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
