4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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