He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
