Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
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she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
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We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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