Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
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She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
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Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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