she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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