Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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