My balls are so social today.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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