My underwear smells like fireworks.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The best revenge is premature balding
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Randomize
