if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
