you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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