i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
