there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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