he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.