College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
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