i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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