We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
