Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
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Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
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I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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