His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
