I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Success! We fucked roommates!
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
