so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
