You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
