the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You dont lie about slip and slides
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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