there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
