So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
